Well the definition of confidence in the context of personal performance is:
“a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities”
It seems nowadays that there is a perceived need or pressure to be or feel more confident; more confident in business, giving presentations, public speaking, in relationships, in the workplace but just what is confidence. Where does it originate from and how does one exactly get more confidence and be more confident?
At first sight the definition above seems ok and fit for purpose. It suggest that its ok to be self-assured about our own abilities or qualities, perhaps even proud! No problem I hear you say but sooner or later we need to demonstrate our capability and put that confidence to work. What if our performance doesn’t match up to our confident demeanor?
We have all met the confident outgoing types who are the life and soul of the group, team or organization. The person through their own self promotion appears to have it all going for them, wouldn’t it be great to be like them? If only I had their confidence! If only I knew what tricks they employ!
On the other hand we have all met the person that goes about their business in a quiet unassuming way. That appear to be shy and lack confidence, yet their performance seems to suggest they are better than they say or think they are.
What qualities do they possess and demonstrate that might help us understand how they get and live out their confidence in the world?
Humility
The first quality I believe that leads to a confident personality is humility. Humility suggests that a person understands their strengths and their limitations, and this comes from a real sense of who they are and what their purpose is. Our attachment to things can give us an insight into how comfortable we are with ourselves. Our desire for example, for personal importance; for power and control over not only things but also people. The fear of losing these aspects of self can often lead us to over-report on our abilities in an effort to appear in control.
Once we are prepared to lose these things we hold precious and to live without them in humility we become more self aware and therefore more at peace with ourselves and our environment. We no longer need to put on an act; to appear confident because we are at peace. And we know therefore that whatever presents itself to challenge us we have the capacity to deal with it. The control we have been striving for, driven through our fear of losing something, is now ever present because it sits within in us.
The second quality is that of being worry-free! We know that it serves us no purpose but still we are invaded by worry everyday of our lives, running all sorts of negative what-if scenarios. The good news is that we can unlearn this unhelpful behaviour and train ourselves to employ a more helpful thought pattern. Try out a “worry fast” three times day where you commit to refuse a single worry thought to enter your mind. Start off in small chunks and extend the time you spend in the zone! In essence being mindful and grateful for whatever we have placed our attention upon.
Thirdly confidence is infectious and the person that smiles and laughs a lot is a lot of fun to be around. Its simply a state change and we all know how to do that because we simply change our physiology in the moment. That simple command to our kids of “lift your chin up and give us a smile” changes their physiology when they are crying and lifts them out of the moment transporting them to another state. Initiating a smile can lead us to laughter and that transcends all other negative emotions giving us the confidence to have another go!
Lastly action is required that is the root of all existence, and that is to breathe. When we are threatened or feel overwhelmed we naturally take a deep breath to calm ourselves down and it is easy to forget just what benefits the act of breathing slowly and deeply gives us. Inhale and exhale deeply and slowly allowing the breath to inflate our core, relaxing with each inhalation allows our heart to become quiet as oxygenated blood flows through it. If your heart is quiet then you cannot feel fear. The onlooker then sees the real you, the tranquil peaceful you that radiates humility and peaceful confidence.
The quiet confidence that is so attractive and reassuring. It is in itself a real Leadership quality because it inspires ordinary people.
I know who id rather be working with, the good news is we all have the ability to achieve it.
Drop me a line or an email if you would like to explore what confidence means to you.
Keith Ovenden
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